Gratitude in Relationships
The Antidote to Resentment
November naturally stirs thoughts of gratitude. We gather around tables, share meals, and say what we’re thankful for. But gratitude is not just for Thanksgiving… it’s a daily practice, and one that can change the way we live and love.
Resentment is very sneaky. It builds when expectations go unmet, when hurts pile up, and when we focus on what’s lacking rather than what’s present. It whispers things like, “Why do I have to do everything?” or “Why am I the only one sacrificing?” Left unchecked, resentment hardens hearts and disconnects us from our partners.
Gratitude, on the other hand, softens us. It brings perspective, humility, and fosters connection. And here’s the beautiful part: we cannot feel resentment and gratitude at the same time. Did you know it’s neurologically impossible? Fact. The same space in our brain that fuels resentment cannot hold onto gratitude simultaneously. One cancels out the other.
So, when you choose gratitude, even in small ways, you starve resentment of oxygen. Think of it like wearing two different sets of glasses. With the “resentment lens,” we notice what’s missing, what’s unfair, what’s annoying. With the “gratitude lens,” we see what’s good, what’s steady, what’s generous. Life doesn’t change, but the way we see it does. Oh, and make no mistake. It’s not denial. Gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring pain or pretending everything is fine. It means choosing to anchor yourself in what is life-giving, rather than letting resentment run the show.
I’ll be a little vulnerable here because just like you, I’m certainly not immune to resentment. Sometimes I feel overworked, unappreciated and taken for granted. I want Brian to notice, to step in, to read my mind and lighten my load. When he doesn’t, the voice of resentment creeps in. One evening, when I was folding the laundry, that narrative about me always having to “do everything myself” started playing in my head. Then Brian walked in and started matching socks. Not a grand gesture, but at that moment, I caught myself. Instead of focusing on the dozen times he hadn’t helped, I chose to be grateful for the fact that he was helping me now. I felt my shoulders soften. My frustration loosened its grip, and I smiled at him and said, “Thank you for folding the laundry with me.” That shift didn’t magically solve everything, but it changed me somehow. I began to realize that my gratitude opened the door to connection, while my resentment had been quietly closing it.
Gratitude is a daily decision, sometimes moment by moment. Think of it like this. Gratitude is like making the bed … it only takes a moment, but it sets the tone for the whole day. Try weaving these habits into your day:
- Keep a gratitude list. Each morning or night, write down three things you’re thankful for. Big or small … everything counts.
- Express it out loud. Tell your spouse something you appreciate about them. Don’t assume “they know” … tell them out loud.
- Reframe the moment. When frustration rises, ask, “What could I be grateful for here?” Even if the answer is small, it can be enough to shift your mood.
- Notice the ordinary. Gratitude isn’t just for milestones; it thrives in everyday moments like a hot cup of coffee, a gorgeous sunset, or a shared laugh.
When we practice gratitude, trust deepens, generosity grows, and love feels lighter. Resentment erodes connection and drains joy, but it can’t coexist with gratitude. Each time we choose to be grateful, we push resentment out and pull love back in. Gratitude won’t erase life’s struggles, but it shifts our focus from what’s wrong to what’s abundant and always leads us back to what matters most … loving each other.